What a ride the last few days have been! First, sorry for keeping you in suspense—I did get the job at Vitalia MedSpa…as a matter of fact, I interviewed on Wednesday at noon and was told I had the job before 5pm the same day.
I was happy and excited to find out I had the job and at the same time I felt like crying. Not tears of joy—tears of change. For most of the last two years , except for a stint at Starbucks (yes, I worked for two months as a barista) and some freelance coaching with Career Services International; I’ve been working for myself…setting my own hours, setting the pace and only answering to me. It’s been difficult at times and at times very boring, but to be honest, being self-employed is the only option for me.
On Thursday, I went in to work for some training and briefings. I came home Thursday evening, after being stuck in traffic, completely exhausted. The entire day involved dealing with more emotions related to the whole situation I'm in and I realized how much my ego and pride were key players to me feeling bruised, hurt, discontent, out of place and under new constraints.
Everyone is fabulous and wonderful and the new job, is indeed, a perfect fit…the way I feel has nothing to do with that…it has everything to do with me. I am currently not where I imagined myself to be in life. I have fallen short of my expectations, my desires and my goals. I can’t think, nor see myself, as just someone who works for someone else. I can’t have others see me or think of me that way either. I really thought, that by now, I would be further along in building my own empire.
About two weeks ago, I went to the movies with someone I met online through Craigslist. After explaining what I was doing to him, he replied: “So you’re unemployed?” I wanted to cuss at him and get up and leave. I realized, of course, that he was just calling it the way he saw it. I replied with: “You’re obviously not a visionary.” But his comment, unfortunately, stayed with me and it took me a few days to digest it. That is not what drove me to get a job, paying the bills is what brought me to get a job, but everything is wrapped up together and suspended all around me.
I know what I’m capable of doing and yet, it’s not happening. I’ve been brewing on this a lot more. Given that I am trained as a coach, I understand that there is no value in our ego or in our pride. Neither are useful when it comes to reaching real happiness, contentment, or spiritual growth. My worth, my confidence and who I am is not rooted in what I do, accomplish and possess, but guess what—I’m HUMAN. My ego and pride do come out and play…they do drive me to perform better, to achieve more and to reach higher levels of success. I think BIG and I want BIG things to happen in my life and for my life.
I’m a little (as in very) pissed off that I’m not where I want to be and I’m determined to turn up the heat and get there.
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